Euro-Rage: The Hills Are Alive

They're baaaack!

I apologize for the long silence, kids, I was suffering from the mother of all colds. After much rest, plenty of liquids and tomato soup with grilled cheese sandwiches I feel like myself again, and the rage is boiling up. I will be doing a DB of the week tomorrow, as well as Friday, to make up for last week's.

First of all, Joey B's best friend Kim is here visiting us from lovely Southern California and we have whipped ourselves into a frenzy - watching the first and second season to get us ramped up for the bonus episodes of season three.

Last night we went out to Tank Sushi in Lincoln Square and then off to Sidetracks for Showtunes Monday. It was, as always, a wonderful time. Jason Fab joined us for drinks and we spent some time deciding what each of our signature musicals would be. I will not reveal the results, in order to protect the innocent... and the tone deaf. We then returned home to watch the ongoing adventures of LC et al on MTV.com.

As I have always said, the most interesting part of the hills is that nothing really happens, but we remain mesmerized. In fact, some stuff happens, but much less than was promised by the "extended trailer" teaser. First off, LC is squired around Paris by a young French man, but there is ne pas de romance. The most dramatic occurence for LC and Whitney was when Lauren accidentally burned her COUTURE loaner dress for the debutante ball with a curling iron. LC lost her shit, but Whitney (to the rescue) called the designer and arranged for a different dress. Love that girl!

Meanwhile in Speidiville, Ms. Montag had returned home to Colorado following a heinous fight with Spencer and was trying to figure out what to do about their car crash... I mean, relationship. Spencer, true to form, wouldn't allow her an inch of space and jumped on a plane to surprise her. I was actually impressed with the cold shoulder she gave him, except that I know - due to their constant media whoredom, that she eventually relented. Still, the looks her parents gave him were priceless. Such on that!

Looks like the next few weeks are going to involve more break-up/reconciliation drama and *shocker* a visit to the Conrad/Partridge pad by Ms Montag herself, which makes Lauren FURIOUS when she finds out. That's all for now kids, more on events in The Hills Universe as they develop.

To watch last night's episode, click here.

Euro-Rage: Countdown to Paris

Five days and counting, kids, until the return of The Hills on MTV. I am actually surprised at how excited I am. The show is oddly compelling, despite the fact that not a lot of stuff actually happens (and what does occur often feels slightly staged). I usually don't watch the show week to week so either I'll catch the latest episode on MTV.com or I'll wait and buy the DVDs. The great thing with the show on DVD is that it's soooo addictive. Joey B and I will sit down to watch one or two episodes and instead watch the entire season. It happens. (that is the main reason why I am including the first 2 season DVD sets in Angela B's recovery package - the girls will keep her entertained as she convalesces).

When we last left LC, she had just learned that the Teen Vogue ball at Fashion week needed some extra help and that she would be accompanying Whitney to Paris. C'est Fabuleux! Looks like the action is going to move along pretty quickly. Here's a little taste of the new episode, airing on Monday the 24th. I can't wait.

Geeks are all the Rage - Week 2

Last night's episode "Raps, Rhymes and Geeks" began with the announcement that both teams would be competing in a talent contest, on stage and in front of a large studio audience, who would vote for the team that did the best job. Both teams were told to create 10 minutes of material and were encouraged to look beyond the stereotypes of what a beauty and/or a geek is. The ladies couldn't seem to agree on anything, and decided very quickly that they should rely on their beauty - but geek it up a little. The result was skanky schoolgirl outfits (but one of the beauties had tape on her glasses, so I guess she took the task pretty seriously). The geeks decided they should show their hip (hop) side by staging a showcase of their various individual talents.

Following the initial planning by both teams, the producers focused mainly on the Beauties as they (while backstage at the theater) were still trying to put together a routine. It was painful!

In the interest of full disclosure I should point out that I am incredibly uncomfortable watching amateurs perform on TV - I get very embarrassed on their behalf and often avert my eyes and chant "oh my God, oh my God, oh my God" until it's over. This is why I have never been able to watch American Idol (the auditions are brutal) or Ellen when she has audience members dance with her.

It was only my dedication to you, the Rage-rs, that forced me to watch the Beauties routine, so I could report accurately. They were a total mess from the get-go and by the time they had finished with their "planned" routine there was still over three minutes remaining on the clock. They then began flailing wildly (some doing the robot, some the sprinkler) which irked Kristina to no end (she complained in the confessional that a lot of the girls were doing the sprinkler incorrectly) - it was hilarious, mostly because you got a glimpse of how geeky the Beauties can really be. By the time the clock had run out, the audience was booing and chanting "Geeks, Geeks, Geeks, Geeks". Brutal.

The geeks performance started with Matt and Jason (shirtless and INCREDIBLY buff) coming alone onto the stage, the premise being that Matt had a poem written on a 20 foot length of parchment, then Jason started rapping (though I couldn't really make out the words due to the fact that Joey B and I were discussing his "out of nowhere" physique) and then the rest of the geeks came out. Those who could did various dance moves, including a pretty impressive performance by Greg who remarked afterwards that he has no fear about going on stage which is odd because he's so socially awkward. Jonathan did a Velociraptor impression (a la Jim Carey) that was cringe inducing, but kind of charming because the other geeks got such a kick out of it. Tommy (sigh!) did a stand up routine about all the comments he gets about being tall, and does he play basketball, "Do I walk up to people and say, wow, you're really fat. Do you Sumo? Because with that body, I mean..."

In the end the audience voted overwhelmingly for the Geeks and they were tasked with choosing 5 Beauties to send to the elimination ceremony. Back at the house that evening, some of the Geeks stayed inside, helping the girls study, while others took a relaxing dip in the hot tub. Some of the girls who were inside tried to create drama by implying that Leticia was manipulating the geeks to ensure that they wouldn't put her up for elimination. Joey B and I were outraged by the implication.

The next day the Geeks gathered to decide who to send home, and ran the meeting using Roberts Rules of Order which resulted in over 10 motions being passed before they even got to discussing who to send packing.

When the nominations were announced at the "staircase ceremony" Amber got angry that Leticia hadn't been nominated (while she, herself, had) which led to a Geek smack-down by Joe who said, straight out, that the Geeks had discussed it and they didn't believe that Leticia was trying to manipulate them, but that Amber obviously had been by making the accusation. Go Joe!

Ultimately, Amber choked big-time in the elimination and got sent packing. Of all the beauties, I believe she had the most unattractive personality, so sayonara, byatch!

Next week's episode focuses on a tag football game (Beauties vs. Geeks) that quickly devolves into full contact. Tune in next week to see it for yourselves, but if you miss it - no worries. I've got your back.

The New Rage Times

One of the things that I most looked forward to, when moving to the US, was being able to read the New York Times every day. My weekends, back in Canada, would always culminate in a trip to the local newstand (which was actually a shop) where I would get my full week of NY Times (they would come in two days late, except for the Sunday edition, which arrived that morning) as well as The Sunday Buffalo News and the weekend edition of the Globe & Mail. I would get a decaf latte and spend three hours curled up in my club chair. It was heaven.

Once home, I would go for the previous Monday's Times first, it having my absolute favorite column - "Metropolitan Diary", where New Yorkers and visitors alike share stories about the city. There's something so refreshing about the stories, which often encapsulate the elusive... je ne sais quoi, that makes NYC (and more specifically Manhattan) my very favorite place to be. Here's an example from today's paper:

Dear Diary:

Weekends at Fairway can be tense.

As I was waiting in line for fish on a recent Saturday, a young man two places ahead of me began to call out his order. The man behind the counter had not seen him waiting and told him to get in the back of the line.

The young man refused impolitely. A middle-aged man between the young man and me sided with the counterman and reiterated the instruction to get in the back of the line. The younger man took offense and called the middle-aged man a name not to be repeated.

This resulted in the older man’s pushing the younger man, the younger man’s spitting in the face of the older man, and the older man’s lunging at the younger man and receiving a solid punch below the eye.

A large Fairway employee soon appeared to separate the combatants. The younger man disappeared into the recesses of Fairway.

The middle-aged man, holding his already red and swollen left cheek, reclaimed his place in line ahead of me.

Before I could ask if he was O.K., he turned and called to the counterman, “I’ll have a half-pound of halibut.”

Michael Bernstein

I know it's incredibly cliche, but I have to say it... only in New York! Perfection!

Rage is the New President

I missed Saturday Night Live last night, believe it or not, I was already asleep by the time it came on. I am officially old.

I got a message this morning that I had to check out Tracy Morgan's reply to Tina Fey's endorsement of Hillary Clinton. It's very, very funny. For those of you who are crawling out from under your hangovers - I hope this brightens your day.

As for me, I'm going back to bed.

Douche Bag of the Week - Heidi Montag

Okay, kids, this just needs to be said. Heidi Montag is a douche of gargantuan proportions (and I'm not talking about her very well publicized breast implants). She has just announced, via US Weekly, that she too has created a clothing line, in direct competition with arch rival Lauren "LC" Conrad. Does this, in and of itself, make her a douche... well, honestly, no. But for me it's the last straw in a long line of super douche behavior. Let's review.

Shortly after beginning to date fellow super douche Spencer Pratt (pictured below) Heidi begins to morph from a loyal friend (and roommate to LC) into a backstabbing uber byatch.
Here are just some of Heidi's trespasses:

1. Convinced Lauren's best friend Jen to hook up with Brody Jenner, despite the fact that LC was sort of dating him at the time.
2. Lied to Lauren's face about having any involvement at all with said tragic mack.
3. Spread a rumor, along with Spencer (allegedly) that Lauren and her ex Jason had make a sex tape. Rumor circulates for months online.
4. Attempts a music career (after having breasts and nose done) and inflicts worst music video EVER on an unsuspecting public. Additional douche tidbit - video is shot by super douche Manager... you guessed it, Spencer Pratt.
   
5. Releases a "duet" with Brittany Spears, which consists of audio lifted from studio tracks Brit demoed but rejected.
   
6. Releases lame clothing line - though I have to give her props, it's not like she's an amateur. She has 1 year (and 1 week) of Fashion school under her belt.
   

I'm thinking that, even though I love a good list, you don't really get a good sense of how incredibly douchey this girl really is - and barring inviting everyone over for a Hills marathon, you're just going to have to take my word for it. I used to feel sorry for her, because she was so easily manipulated by Spencer. Now I think that she's just as vile as he is, and that's saying something. Seriously, Google "Spencer Pratt" and just choose a link at random. 9 times out of 10 the story will be negative - he's like Satan's blonde go-to guy.

When all is said and done Heidi is, ultimately, a parasitic whore who is willing to climb over anyone to get a few seconds in the spotlight. I guess she lives in the right town to make all her dreams come true.

Rage and the City

Here it is kids, the official trailer - though I'm told it's not the only one circulating on the internet. I am going to put all our Rage-terns on a 24 hour cycle searching for the latest, greatest and (barring that) most recent news on the movie, leading up to the Chicago premiere (which I will be attending, if there truly is a God)!!!

To paraphrase Kathy Griffin, "Suck it Jesus - this [movie] is my God now!"
also, here is a first look at the TV spot for the movie