Senorita Stainypants

Check out this particularly hilarious post on GoFugYourself.com. Genius!

Not Hillarious...

It looks like, for some GOD FORSAKEN reason, MTV will not be posting last night's season premiere of the hills until today at 3pm EST! What the hell. I can watch the after show right now, but I have to wait to watch the episode. WHY?!?!?

Why would they do this to me? Why am I being so melodramatic? [insert long pause, during which I stare off into space meaningfully]. I don't know.

The Hills are Alive - Season 5

They're Back. They're Back. Tonight, tonight, tonight!

I can't believe I take so much pleasure in the (fake) shenanigans and (pseudo) dramatics that afflict this un-scripted (scripted) show. But I do, i really, really do.

I have had lengthy discussions about the fact that, for a show where nothing EVER happens, it's riveting television. From the looks of the preview, however, it looks like at some point this season a 'roided up super-douche Spencer does take time out of his busy... um... schedule???? to kick his sister's (eye contact allergic) bf's ass. Real punches thrown. Though my sources tell me all is not as it appears.

According to legal documents filed by the punchee, the producers egged him into sending the texts that got him the "pratt-down", by assuring him that Spencer was in on the joke. Sounds about par. Legal disclaimer: This is all allegedly how it transpired - it's up to the courts to sort it out.

I, for one, would be happy to see Lauren and Heidi getting along again. For some strange reason, I find former friend feuds particularly upsetting. I was probably the only person in America who breathed a genuine sigh of relief when I heard that Paris and Nicole had patched things up. Seriously. I just want everyone to get along.

Looks like this could end up being the very last season of the hills, kids. So buckle up and enjoy the (not very interesting) ride. YEEHAW!

Brace Yourselves, Kids

The three-headed jackal is baying at the moon, which can only mean two things. Either the end is nigh, or a new season of The Hills is fast approaching. Thankfully, it's the latter.

To really ratchet up the super fakeness that is a typical episode the trailer featured a Tarot Card reader who just happens to narrate the entire run of the Hills up to this point. I love really creepy coincidences like this - I have goosebumps!!!!

In sharp contrast to The City, I am totally willing to devote a half hour to a show where nothing really happens (and includes 10 minutes worth of aerial and traffic shots per episode). I had to get off The City bus after the third episode. Yawn yawn yawn.

Check out the trailer and let me know what you think. Are you as excited as I am? Do you think less of me for my 12-year-old-girl excitement level? Are you SO over it? Are you So over people who STILL say that they're over it??? Bring me up to speed in the comment section.

What the Hills is Going on???

Last night's episode of The Hills was like a bad high school flashback. Audrina heard a random rumor from a nebulous character named "Dino" and proceeded to alienate her best friend and her boyfriend as she spun out of control. I have had to experience the same sort of situations repeatedly in the past, and watched it with a mixture of horror and hilarity. Of course, I was 16 at the time.

What is it about the ladies of the Hills that have landed them in some sort of prolonged adolescence? The saddest part is that, despite the many, MANY, protestations from both of the accused that they had not, as the rumor insisted, "Hooked up" Audrina just kept asking over and over again. It was like she wanted to believe the worst about them. The confrontation culminated in Lauren telling Audrina that she was worse than Heidi, because she had made this mess all on her own. Ouch!

The previews from next week's episode show an unapologetic Audrina looking surprised that her sister thinks she should tell Lauren she's sorry. Let's hope that the Britney Spears crazy room is still decorated and operational - looks like it may be needed soon.

Hold on to your Hills

The preview for tonight's episode of the Hills looks CRAZY. It all starts when a rumor on the internet claims that Lauren has "hooked up" with Audrina's boyfriend Justin Bobby. The intro clip (see below) has a series of serious confrontations and a lot of tears. Lauren actually tells Audrina that she's worse than Heidi. Madness.

Needless to say, you all know what I'll be doing tonight. A full run-down tomorrow, I promise.

The Hills are Alive

This past Monday offered a very special treat - TWO BACK-TO-BACK EPISODES of the Hills. Joey B is having computer troubles so we had to take turn watching the episodes (due to the fact that my volume only works through earphones... lame) and here is the lowdown.

EPISODE 1

First of all, LC and Whitney have returned from their sojourn in Paris and Whitney has decided that it is time to leave Teen Vogue. She takes a meeting with Lisa Love (who is surprisingly supportive) and admits that she has been offered a job by People's Republic (fashion PR firm) owner Kelly Cutrone. For those of you who don't remember, Kelly is the one who harranged and/or brow beat Lauren in Season 1 when Lisa Love asked her to get two extra passes to a fashion show People's Republic was running. (On the live after show LC admitted that - though they never showed it on camera - Kelly had made her cry that night). Let's just say that this Kelly woman would bitch slap the Devil for wearing Prada. Snap.

Anyway, after a incredibly unorthodox job interview Whitney is officially given the job. Will this be the end of Whitney's awesome reaction shots during catch up sessions in the closet? Only time will tell.

Meanwhile, the Speidi drama continues. Ms Montag has returned to LA and has told Spencer he has to move out of the apartment. But, she reveals to co-worker Kimberly (this season's Elodie) that just because she asked him to move out, and despite the fact that they aren't communicating, she definitely doesn't think Spencer will be dating other people as they aren't "broken up". Insert "foreshadowing appropriate" musical cue here.

Lauren and Audrina head out on the town and end up running into Brody and his non-sexual life partner Frankie. Lauren doesn't rise to give Brody a hug and that sets off a Brodatious hissy fit that leads to his storming out while Frankie says to Lauren (re: the new girlfriend) "I know what you're upset about, but you guys love each other so..." This guy should be a marriage counselor - or maybe he is. Does anyone actually know what Frankie does? Does anyone actually work in LA? But I digress. The best thing is this awesome "tossing" motion LC makes over her right shoulder as Brody storms out. Priceless.

The episode ends with Lauren and Whitney saying their Teen Vogue goodbyes. Lauren points out that Whitney is carrying the same bag she wore to their initial interviews TWO years before. In fashion, I believe that is referred to as a faux pas. Love it!

EPISODE 2

It's Lauren's first day back at the Fashion Institute and we are watching her in computer class. The (I'm sure very nice, but not exactly fashionable) instructor is doing roll call when one name makes Lauren's eyes open to twice their normal size, "Stephanie Pratt." For anyone unfamiliar with Ms. Pratt, she is Spencer's douchy younger sister who took it upon herself earlier this season to confront Lauren and Brody at a club (which, by my calculations, she is a full three years too young to get into). This is just another indicator that the Pratts are all batshit crazy.

Lauren looks around and Stephanie is nowhere to be seen but, before our fabulous heroine can relax, in struts Stephanie and (owing to her lateness) she is forced to take the only remaining seat in the class, one work station away from Lauren. (At this point I couldn't help muttering, out loud, "Delicious!")

Meanwhile, Whitney is in New York working a fashion show in Bryant Park. This whole sideline was not very exciting, so I am not going to re-create it, other than to say that Whitney did an awesome job and she and her boss shared the most AWKWARD on-screen hug ever. Double delicious.

News of the weird classroom cohabitation is quickly disseminated (via text) to both camps - LC to Audrina and SP to Heidi. Lauren says that she hopes this won't cause any drama.

The next day Stephanie approaches Lauren before class starts and apologizes for being such an uber byatch the last time they saw each other. Lauren very gratiously accepted the apology.

The episode ends with Spencer giving Stephanie a lecture about loyalty and whining about how he can't tell her anything because he thinks she'll either repeat it to LC or Heidi. What amazes me if that this guy has managed to alienate EVERYONE in his life, and he still has the balls to attack the only person willing to take him in. But that's Spencer to a T - class all the way.

More Hills news Tuesday...

Euro-Rage: The Hills Are Alive

They're baaaack!

I apologize for the long silence, kids, I was suffering from the mother of all colds. After much rest, plenty of liquids and tomato soup with grilled cheese sandwiches I feel like myself again, and the rage is boiling up. I will be doing a DB of the week tomorrow, as well as Friday, to make up for last week's.

First of all, Joey B's best friend Kim is here visiting us from lovely Southern California and we have whipped ourselves into a frenzy - watching the first and second season to get us ramped up for the bonus episodes of season three.

Last night we went out to Tank Sushi in Lincoln Square and then off to Sidetracks for Showtunes Monday. It was, as always, a wonderful time. Jason Fab joined us for drinks and we spent some time deciding what each of our signature musicals would be. I will not reveal the results, in order to protect the innocent... and the tone deaf. We then returned home to watch the ongoing adventures of LC et al on MTV.com.

As I have always said, the most interesting part of the hills is that nothing really happens, but we remain mesmerized. In fact, some stuff happens, but much less than was promised by the "extended trailer" teaser. First off, LC is squired around Paris by a young French man, but there is ne pas de romance. The most dramatic occurence for LC and Whitney was when Lauren accidentally burned her COUTURE loaner dress for the debutante ball with a curling iron. LC lost her shit, but Whitney (to the rescue) called the designer and arranged for a different dress. Love that girl!

Meanwhile in Speidiville, Ms. Montag had returned home to Colorado following a heinous fight with Spencer and was trying to figure out what to do about their car crash... I mean, relationship. Spencer, true to form, wouldn't allow her an inch of space and jumped on a plane to surprise her. I was actually impressed with the cold shoulder she gave him, except that I know - due to their constant media whoredom, that she eventually relented. Still, the looks her parents gave him were priceless. Such on that!

Looks like the next few weeks are going to involve more break-up/reconciliation drama and *shocker* a visit to the Conrad/Partridge pad by Ms Montag herself, which makes Lauren FURIOUS when she finds out. That's all for now kids, more on events in The Hills Universe as they develop.

To watch last night's episode, click here.

Euro-Rage: Countdown to Paris

Five days and counting, kids, until the return of The Hills on MTV. I am actually surprised at how excited I am. The show is oddly compelling, despite the fact that not a lot of stuff actually happens (and what does occur often feels slightly staged). I usually don't watch the show week to week so either I'll catch the latest episode on MTV.com or I'll wait and buy the DVDs. The great thing with the show on DVD is that it's soooo addictive. Joey B and I will sit down to watch one or two episodes and instead watch the entire season. It happens. (that is the main reason why I am including the first 2 season DVD sets in Angela B's recovery package - the girls will keep her entertained as she convalesces).

When we last left LC, she had just learned that the Teen Vogue ball at Fashion week needed some extra help and that she would be accompanying Whitney to Paris. C'est Fabuleux! Looks like the action is going to move along pretty quickly. Here's a little taste of the new episode, airing on Monday the 24th. I can't wait.