Douche Bag of the Week - Heidi Montag

Okay, kids, this just needs to be said. Heidi Montag is a douche of gargantuan proportions (and I'm not talking about her very well publicized breast implants). She has just announced, via US Weekly, that she too has created a clothing line, in direct competition with arch rival Lauren "LC" Conrad. Does this, in and of itself, make her a douche... well, honestly, no. But for me it's the last straw in a long line of super douche behavior. Let's review.

Shortly after beginning to date fellow super douche Spencer Pratt (pictured below) Heidi begins to morph from a loyal friend (and roommate to LC) into a backstabbing uber byatch.
Here are just some of Heidi's trespasses:

1. Convinced Lauren's best friend Jen to hook up with Brody Jenner, despite the fact that LC was sort of dating him at the time.
2. Lied to Lauren's face about having any involvement at all with said tragic mack.
3. Spread a rumor, along with Spencer (allegedly) that Lauren and her ex Jason had make a sex tape. Rumor circulates for months online.
4. Attempts a music career (after having breasts and nose done) and inflicts worst music video EVER on an unsuspecting public. Additional douche tidbit - video is shot by super douche Manager... you guessed it, Spencer Pratt.
   
5. Releases a "duet" with Brittany Spears, which consists of audio lifted from studio tracks Brit demoed but rejected.
   
6. Releases lame clothing line - though I have to give her props, it's not like she's an amateur. She has 1 year (and 1 week) of Fashion school under her belt.
   

I'm thinking that, even though I love a good list, you don't really get a good sense of how incredibly douchey this girl really is - and barring inviting everyone over for a Hills marathon, you're just going to have to take my word for it. I used to feel sorry for her, because she was so easily manipulated by Spencer. Now I think that she's just as vile as he is, and that's saying something. Seriously, Google "Spencer Pratt" and just choose a link at random. 9 times out of 10 the story will be negative - he's like Satan's blonde go-to guy.

When all is said and done Heidi is, ultimately, a parasitic whore who is willing to climb over anyone to get a few seconds in the spotlight. I guess she lives in the right town to make all her dreams come true.

Douche Bag of the Week - Take the Rage and Drive

Every morning, as I drive to work, I am forced to deal with douche bags. There are the douches who drive 18 inches behind your bumper, even if they have the option of moving into the PASSING lane and actually, you know, passing. There are the douche bags who pull up into the right turn lane and instead gun it through the intersection as soon as the light turns green, cutting you off. There are the drivers who are oblivious to everyone else and will pull out of a driveway and/or side street right in front of you regardless of how fast you are driving towards them and/or the traffic laws designed to protect their stupid asses.

To each of you I raise a finger in salute.

But, my friends, there is a driver even more odious, more repulsive, more repugnant that those previously mentioned. The douche bags who do any and all of the aforementioned driving douche moves while behind the wheel of a Prius.

I live in Chicago which, after Los Angeles County, has to be the US capitol for Prii (Rage-speak plural for Prius - feel free to use it!). They are everywhere. This very morning I was cut off by a red Prius with an Obama 08 bumper sticker driven by a paunchy, balding douche who looked a lot like Larry King's FAS cousin.

There is something that just makes me nuts about a person who will go out of their way to make a socially conscious decision, such as purchasing a "green" vehicle, and then gets behind the wheel and turn into Snidely Whiplash. Karma be damned - if I ever get the chance I will track down that Red Prius Driver and deliver a sharp punch to the back of his head - that's one change I DEFINITELY believe in!

Douche Bag of the Week - Feb 29

For a pop culture blog, I have been leaning pretty heavily on the politics for the past month - partly because I think this is a really pivotal time in this countries history, but mostly because it amuses me. Which brings me to this weeks Douche bag - the incredibly old (and proudly sanctimonious) Ralph Nader.

Seriously, Nader, a word of advice. If you can create a map of the United States by connecting your liver spots, you shouldn't be leading said nation. I understand your passions, and completely agree with your assessment that Al Gore had the election, "stolen from him ... by the [Florida] Secretary of State and Jeb Bush" and the US Supreme Court. But we can't lose sight of the fact that it was your candidacy that split the vote and lead to such a close race in the first place.

I was at a Billy Bragg concert with (my fabulous former faux fiance) Olivia in the Summer before the 2000 election and between songs Bragg began speaking about the up-coming election. In response to a "Yeah, NADER!" from the audience Billy Boy got really serious and said that this election was incredibly important and it was not the time to split the left, or attempt to re-make American politics. I agreed with him then, and I certainly do now.

I respect the earnestness of Nader's belief that it's time for a big change in the way Washington is run but leave the running to a woman, or an African American. It's about time.

Douche Bag of the Week - Inaugural

It's Aaaaooooooooooooowful!

I will be the first to admit that I have been watching the new American Gladiators since it's premiere - the original show (or more honestly, the cast... Laser *sigh*) has a special place in my heart. It's pretty funny how my entire childhood is now being re-packaged and marketed to my niece and nephew.

Anyway, the one thing about the new show that I can't tolerate isn't the posturing of the platinum blond primadonna, Hulk Hogan, or even the pole dancer outfits the female "athletes" are forced to wear. No, no my friends, it's even bigger than that. There is something that has me reaching for the remote immediately and changing the channel. Something so vile, so repulsive, that he is the subject of our first ever "Douche Bag of the Week" posting. WOLF.














photo courtesy of nbc.com

That's right, drink it in. The awful hair, terrible eye make-up, skin the color of a rotisserie chicken. These things all contribute to why he's such a total douche, but its more than that. On the show he actually talks like he is, in fact, a wolf. Saying things to contestants like, "I'm smelling fear, I'm smelling blood and I'mo eat you!" and he howls. HE HOWLS! Here's a little taste of the rabid 'roidhead in action: http://youtube.com/watch?v=_s7ZOyidcDo

Note to Wolf: You're a grown man! I'd like to believe that he can't bear to watch the shows, out of embarrassment, but takes a stoic attitude towards his new job (after all, a paycheck IS a paycheck) but somehow I think he probably invites all his friends over and forces everyone to watch in silence. He just seems the type.

If there's any justice in the world, this wolf will be captured, rehabilitated and released into the wild far away from civilization. If only life really worked like that.

Coming this (and every) Friday...

Beginning tomorrow, and every Friday following, rage-a-holic will name the most odious person, place or thing to have stepped into our line of fire in a posting we will call "Douche Bag of the Week" and starting in March the last Friday will be reserved for "Douche Bag of the Month".

Feel free to offer any suggestions - I am always open to hearing about those you find maddening, irritating and repulsive. The inaugural Douche Bag is a doozie. Stay tuned...